Something I struggled a long time to come to terms with.Throughout school, self esteem became more and more of a burning issue for me. The main reason, I was born with a mole on the side of my face. Now I know some of you may think, yeah so what? People call them beauty spots, right? Wrong. For years, I got pulled apart for it and I despised it.
It was never really a problem until Year 6, when 2 girls who were my supposed 'best friends' constantly made it a big deal. My mum used to come in to school to stick up for me and address the problem to the teachers (as Mum's did in those days!) The next day, I found my in an awkward meeting with the teacher and 2 petty girls, throwing the word 'sorry' around and smirking like it meant nothing. I always wanted to be in with the more popular girls so maybe that's the price I had to pay. Of course, they still whispered, as kids did back in the day, but whatever I was starting a new chapter.. Secondary School.
A new era had started.. The first day of term in an daunting, unfamiliar school. Everyone is so naive, very shy (with the odd, outspoken joker thrown in) and each person has their eye on who they potentially want to be friends with. I thought as it was a new school and everyone is maturing into young adults, I won't have to be so concious of my face. I couldn't be more wrong.
You all go through the phase in school of finding the first 'crush' or boy you think you fancy in class. Mine was in Year 7. Long story short.. he was in my tutor and I went bright red every time he said a word to me. MEGA AWKS. One day, we got sat together in Music, and although none of this is relevant now, all I remember were his words..
'You're a pretty girl Tania, but that mole on your face ruins it..'
..Not only had he pointed it out, but loads of other people in the class (including my closest friend) heard and gasped, giggling under their breath. I was completely mortified. Everyone in my new tutor thought it too. A new hell had started all over again, but this time it was people I wanted to make an impression on. Needless to say, I didn't have a crush on him after that! I felt like crying into the corner I was sat, but managed to keep it cool. As if I thought no-one would notice.. After all, it must have so obviously stuck out like a sore thumb.
Months went on and I started wearing my hair down. I got it cut so it was shaped around my face. I'd sit with my hands resting on my face so I would do anything in my power to hide my 'bad side'. It made making friends really hard because I didn't know who I could trust or who was judging me on some stupid feature. It got to the point where people would talk to me and I'd actually notice their eyes looking down at it. Insecure wasn't even the word.
Eventually, I asked my mum what I could do about it, all she kept saying was 'Don't listen to stupid remarks, you're beautiful' or 'It's a beauty spot, loads of people have them' I just thought.. Really? Do they? It wouldn't have been as bad if there was more than one on my face, but it was just there, sitting on my pale complexion for people to stare. She found me a concealer stick and stuck a bit of powder over it and bam.. it was basically gone. I suddenly had this new found confidence, if you like.
I had a solid friendship group that I stuck with for a few years, finally felt accepted for who I was and then one day, I was off sick. When I came back, the people I was friends at the time were unsubtly talking in the playground after the bell went and one after the other kept saying ''No, you ask her'' ... '' No, why don't you?'' WHAT?!! THE SUSPENSE IS KILLING ME. Then one of them spurs the other on and says ''*insert name here* wondered if you were off school to get your mole removed?'' No 'Are you feeling better now?' All they cared about was their silly bet, and all I cared about was melting into the tarmac with embarrassment.
I went through many different groups at school & some dramatic style changes. I struggled with depression for many different reasons, (which I barely even understood) weight gain and that terrible rebellious teenage phase too. You get your typical bitchiness, but if anything else was going to be said, I think I'd rather not have known. If I had heard any negative comments someone had aimed in my direction, I'd immediately distance myself, in fear of them picking on my insecurities and using them against me.
Of course, in school nothing is ever that simple. I'd get abusive, group MSN messages from my so-called friends, throwing immature insults with exaggerated letters and 'mole' disguised in it. Wow, that's originality for ya folks.. *sarcastic thumbs up* Better still, I'd be sitting in Year 11 Maths and I'd hear them whispering their own inside jokes, all because I'd chosen not to associate with such horrible people. All they were doing were proving all the reasons I didn't want to hang out with them any more. It got to the point where I'd sometimes have lunch by myself, because trusting anyone was totally impossible (cue the scene in Mean Girls where she's eating her sandwich on the toilet) ..Kidding, it wasn't that dramatic!
I failed to understand how people could be vile, when I never gave them a legitimate reason to be so hateful, besides wanting their poor excuse for a friendship. I'm not saying in any way, shape or form that I was perfect and never made mistakes, because I've made loads. But never something that would personally or publicly shame/hurt a person based on their appearance.
I got along with pretty much everyone (being a friendly person) and did have a few really nice, accepting friends to be around and sit with lunchtimes, but everyone was assigned to their groups and who wants to be around a lonely year 11 girl that wanders around the school grounds, with a million insecurities and a bright green iPod, wondering what gig she wants to book next? Who knows?
I did have some really good times at school too, and some very memorable moments with people I least expected, but the bad definitely outweighed the good, for a time that's meant to be 'the best years of your life' wasn't really all it was cracked up to be.
I came out with decent enough grades, but leaving school was probably the best thing that ever happened. I was probably the only person rejoicing at Prom instead of crying on the dance floor to 'Robbie Williams - Angels' just like the next person.
As I've grown older, I realised that people care less and less about it, and some don't even notice. Although I still cover it up (1. Because I choose to & 2. For years, it's been a religious part of my make-up routine) I've definitely learnt to accept that having a mole on the side of your face REALLY isn't a big deal. Even though I still don't like it being there, I feel much more comfortable in my own skin and talking about it with people.
I hope one day I'll eventually stop covering it up but that'll take a lot of guts and getting used to.
Goals for 2015: Step outside the comfort zone.
So, if you've ever been/are in a situation similar to this, please NEVER change for anyone (unless it's for the better of course!) Whoever is trying to bring you down is putting themselves below you, and shaming someone else won't turn you into a better person - whether that be publicly or behind a screen. Bullies don't deserve the satisfaction of getting a reaction. Everyone has their personal flaws, whether it be appearance or personality but most are stitched together with good intentions. The people who truly care will love you no matter what and see past everything you once hated about yourself.
Once people know your weaknesses no longer affect you, they can't hold them against you.
